9:13 A.M.------Hey Dash - It's been on a long time. Hope today is the day.
This was my wake up call. Thank you. I am suffocating here. Everyday I can't wait to leave, to go somewhere where religion isn't the most important thing to everyone. It's important to Mormons, "are you Mormon" "did you go to church" blah blah blah. It's important to none Mormons "are you Mormon" "do you go to church." Am I the only one who thinks that this type of mentality is stupid. How has what we believe become the most important part of our identity. I'm sick of it, it's not important, it's not important to me.
I am changing, I think people should always change and grow. However, I can't be honest with myself here. I am surrounded by people, my family included, who have a preconceived idea of who I am. Who am I? I don't know. How can I possibly find out if every time I act in a way that doesn't fit in someones idea of how I should act, they immediately think there is a problem that needs to be fixed. I end up acting in a way that won't rock the boat just so I can avoid headaches, and unnecessary conversations about people worrying about me . There are a handful of people that know me, they know whats going on. These few are the only ones I can really just let me be me, and find out where that goes. Yes Jason you are one of them. My biggest dream right now is to just disappear for a while. Have one big yard sell. Sell everything I own, and just leave. Get as far away from this state as possible and just live. Start fresh. I've started fresh before. I did it when I moved to Provo. It was an amazing feeling to not have to play a part, not that I felt I was, but when no one knows who you are you can be anyone you want. That person that emerges is you, in all it's glory.
I am in control of my life. I know whats best for me. I put in a lot of thought and consideration before I act. Why aren't you going to church Dash? It's not because I'm lazy. It's not because I slept in. It's because I don't feel like it. I have my reasons and just because I may not express them to others doesn't mean they are not real. These are reasons, not concerns that need to be resolved. There are other things going on in my life. Others may think that church attendance is the most important thing for me. What gives them the right, to think they know whats best for me. There is nothing more annoying and insulting when someone thinks there is something wrong with me, when I know there isn't.